Dear Ask A Latina,
About two years ago, my husband and I decided to move in with my suegros to save money for a house. We have the entire upstairs to ourselves and I get along pretty well with my suegros, even though my Spanish is equally as bad as their English.
The only issue I have is assimilating into their traditional Mexican culture. My husband and I are both Mexican, but he is first-gen and I’m third-gen.
His family is definitely the type that puts family first no matter what, is very concerned about their “image”, is very religious, etc.
There are small differences that don’t cause any issues, but the big rub in our relationship is the ability to set boundaries with my suegros.
I am big about setting boundaries with them, just like I do with my own parents. But each time we set one, my suegros take it very personally.
For instance, we do not let my suegros borrow our cars after my suegra totaled my husband’s car a while back.
When my husband’s extended family was in town recently, they asked to borrow my car since it is bigger than theirs, but we told them no.
This caused a big argument where my suegros insinuated that we were selfish for forcing them to rent a car. My husband said it was one of the first times he told them no, which is why they had a bad reaction.
How do I help my husband become more comfortable setting boundaries when this first instance caused such a bad reaction?
– Anxious Boundary Setter
Dear Anxious Boundary Setter,
You’re definitely in a tough spot because you’re living with your in-laws, or suegros. They probably feel that since you’re living with them, they are entitled to use your vehicle. But given the fact that they totaled your husband’s car, I understand that you didn’t want to hand over the keys to yours!
Boundaries are said to be for the health of those who set them, but are not always appreciated by those who run into them.
The only way your husband will become more comfortable setting boundaries is for him to go through the experience of setting them, and then working through his parents’ reaction. Hopefully, in time, your in-laws’ reactions become less volatile if future boundaries are communicated in a gentle but firm way.
Culture plays a big role in this dynamic. Families with a collectivist culture, often Latino, Black and Asian families, can prioritize the needs of a family over an individual within the family. In the United States, an individualist culture is promoted, so the more acculturated a person is in the U.S. (like being third-generation), the more likely they are to incorporate some individualistic traits, like a focus on individual rights and concerns. So new boundaries for a family with a “family first” leaning can certainly cause a disturbance.
Coming from a big Latino family myself, I’ve learned to understand and appreciate aspects of both collectivism and individualism. I also learned that what’s best for me may not feel best for others, and that everyone has a right to their feelings.
Some families seem boundaryless, and in that way, they can become codependent or enmeshed with each other’s lives and problems. That’s not exactly healthy, so the new cultural practices you and your husband are instilling within his family structure can be helpful for your long-term relationship.
Be Determined, But Creative
Boundaries are limits, and while we don’t want to be limitless in relationships, it’s also important not to get too rigid.
It sounds like you and your husband want to live harmoniously with the suegros who are supporting your financial goal. A strategy to do so was actually setting the boundary to protect your car, but there was more than one way to achieve that.
In the future, you could offer to pay for their rental car, which helps keep your car from being damaged and could ease their hurt feelings about the boundary. Or perhaps you or your husband can provide them with rides.
Let your husband know there will be dust-ups when he sets boundaries in the future, but perhaps if he can offer creative solutions to their requests, their reaction will be less negative. Sensitive conversations, such as setting a boundary with a parent, can benefit from proactive thinking about how the conversation may unfold.
Your husband can consider how he communicates (tone matters), when he communicates (timing matters), and where he communicates (collectivist families often like these types of discussions to stay private). And always consider alternative solutions or workarounds (compromise is helpful).
Then, deal with feedback productively, however harsh it may be.
I’m sure in time, you all will adjust to this new way of being.
