Dear Ask A Latina,
Am I the asshole for telling my friends that my one friend, “Sally”, didn’t wash her hands in the bathroom?
I’m a teen in high school who recently went to the bathroom at the same time as Sally.
Sally doesn’t really take care of herself. Her hair is always a mess, and I’m not sure if she wears deodorant.
I was washing my hands at the sink, when I saw her come out of the stall and just walk out of the bathroom without washing her hands. I was beyond disgusted, and I confronted her about it in front of my other friends.
I said, “Why didn’t you wash your hands when you came out of the bathroom?”
Her excuse was that washing your hands takes too long, and hand sanitizer is faster.
I told her in front of everyone else that that is literally disgusting and gross.
So am I the asshole for calling her out in front of my friends?
-Wash Your Hands, Please
Dear Wash Your Hands,
I understand why washing hands is important to you, especially after we went through the COVID-19 pandemic.
While your confrontation was harsh, I wouldn’t call you an asshole.
(By the way, why do people keep asking me if they are being an asshole? Apparently, #AITA is the new way to say, “Am I the jerk?”
A bit awkward for my everyday use, but anyway…)
You might be feeling guilty for confronting her about washing her hands in front of your friends. Hopefully, Sally wasn’t super offended, and you all were able to move past that moment. In some cases, teens can be more forgiving than adults.
Ideally, you would have told her your concerns privately, without saying her behavior was disgusting. It would have been helpful to share some facts about why handwashing is more effective at getting rid of germs than sanitizer. In the future, consider trying gentler and more private ways to share your hygiene concerns with her (or anyone else).
You could also apologize for your reaction right after it happened, or even later on. Consider apologizing to Sally if you can sense that you damaged the friendship with your comments. Repairing a relationship is important if the relationship matters to you.
When to Speak Up About Someone’s Hygiene
This will not be the only time you run into a friend, acquaintance, or workplace colleague with poor hygiene practices. So it’s helpful to know when to speak up about bad hygiene and when to keep your comments to yourself.
Deciding whether to talk to someone about their hygiene depends on how much their lack of hygiene bothers you and what “level” your friendship or relationship is at.
For example, are you friends, acquaintances, classroom pals, or best friends?
How long have you known each other?
How often are you in the same space together?
Is your relationship strong enough or deep enough to have such a sensitive conversation?
Telling someone they have bad hygiene is tricky, and it is likely the offender has heard this kind of feedback before.
Sometimes people have cultural, lifestyle, or religious reasons why they use, or don’t use, certain products like deodorant. Perhaps there’s a health reason.
Try to be respectful and tolerant, and if you feel like there’s a safe space to have a good conversation at some point when you two are alone, try that conversation topic out carefully.
Sometimes mentioning a particular deodorant you like to use, a spray you put on after you work out, or an article you read about handwashing can plant a seed in their mind. Or, if someone has stinky breath, take out a piece of gum for yourself and offer them one as well.
Try a nondirect comment or action that seems natural but can open up a conversation to get their perspective on things.
And if you’re not close with someone who has poor hygiene or you don’t see them often, you don’t have to invest that kind of vulnerability in trying to have this type of conversation.
If Sally, or someone in the future, has different hygiene practices than you but is thriving regardless, then it’s best to respect that they have the right to care for themselves in ways you may not agree with.
