Dear Ask a Latina,
Do you have any suggestions on how to emotionally adjust to going gray? In a culture where brunettes are many, I feel like I am losing part of my identity (my deep, dark brown hair) because I’m mostly gray in my crown.
It makes me feel like I look so old at 47, even though I still feel so young physically. And coloring white/gray hair is just not easy (or cheap) to keep up with!
– Protesting Going Gray
Dear Protesting Going Gray,
What you’re feeling is SO relatable. Our hair is a big part of our visual image and even identity. Gray hair showing up earlier than we imagined can make us feel like our youth is slipping away.
What a confusing betrayal by hair strands that were happy being brown for years!
I once created a micro poem in my head when I was dying a patch of my gray hairs brown. It was:
Ode to My Gray Hairs
How dare you.
Poetry aside, here are some ways to help us all ease into the emotional side of going gray.
Decide What Gray Means To You
Society tells us that men going gray is acceptable – in fact, it can be a distinguishing. But society doesn’t get to define anyone. Everyone has the right to see gray hair as something other than a loss of color.
What if we view going gray as a gain?
Gray hair can signal wisdom and a been-there-done-that-no-BS confidence. Styled well, it can look strikingly chic. Plus, you gain back time, money and have less exposure to those dye chemicals. The hard part is going through the murky transformation to see how we look with more gray.
What I’ve noticed is that how we communicate how we feel about ourselves influences how others interpret how we look.
(We’ve all seen an unattractive person who walks around like they are a hottie. And since they believe it, others believe it, too.)
So if you’re really tired of coloring your hair brown and are ready to embrace the gray, then start communicating #GrayHairHottie to yourself and those around you. I bet your projection of confidence will make you feel more comfortable with going gray and will influence how others view you as well.
Example: I know a really cool younger woman who’s had gray hair since high school, and it looks great on her. Her attitude about it is what makes it seem cool and just part of her style.
When we are comfortable in our own skin, other people get comfortable with us pretty fast. Or they move on — no loss there.
So let’s dig into getting more comfortable.
Come Up With Your Color Strategy
Going gray willy-nilly can feel a little jarring, so working with a colorist on a transition strategy could make a big difference in how you feel about that change. Getting some highlights, lowlights, or a blend can be baby steps forward. Coloring can be emotional, so engaging a color expert and stylist to support those steps is helpful.
Consider setting a timeline or a date for when you want to try out being a salt-and-pepper beauty. I’m mulling over this myself. Maybe by 60?
And if you hate your grays, just color back over them until you’re ready to try again.
Find a Role Model
Do you know anyone who is confidently gray and rocking their silver fox hair?
Ask them questions about how they got to that style and how they worked through their emotions during the process.
Or find a celebrity you think has or is going gray well so you can see what feels possible and appealing to you. That representation can be inspiring and gives you a photo to show your colorist during your “what if” conversations.
It’s Your Hair and Your Choice
Perhaps the most important part of emotionally preparing for changes is understanding that we have the power to decide what we do, and when we do it.
You create the reality of your identity. Plenty of people with dark hair come off as old because they act stodgy and sluggish. While someone projecting energy and enthusiasm for life can convey a more youthful image, regardless of hair color.
The emotions are a sign of discomfort. You don’t like the gray, but you also don’t like the upkeep and cost. So there are feelings that are asking for your consideration about the situation.
Think about what matters to you and experiment a little. Dye it as you like, or ask a hair professional for advice. Discuss the transition with someone who’s gone gray. Explore any feelings that are overwhelming with a mental health professional.
Taking small steps to see what’s best for you now requires action, but from that comes insight.
The only “right” way to go gray is YOUR way. And whatever you do doesn’t even have to be permanent!
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