Dear Ask a Latina,
How would you advise someone whose parent/caretaker has a narcissistic tendency in their relationship?
All conversations end up being about them, seeing their perspective, and somehow they are the victim, the hero, or expert in all things. Or if I share something emotional, there is not safety to say I feel depressed or anxious about whatever is on my mind. They somehow feel victimized, or they didn’t do enough in raising me.
I would say it’s common in Latin culture. All I desire is to be listened to, understood, and not lectured or at times dismissed.
After years of this type of behavior, it is difficult for me to genuinely connect or share details of my life with them. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I have to be selective in what I choose to share. Truth be told, they are set in their ways.
I have worked through this in therapy. However, this is still an ongoing issue the older we all get. I don’t feel fully known which frustrates me. I respect them and love them. With one particular parent, I approach and reach out to them cautiously. Any advice would be appreciated.
– A Grown Daughter Trying to Connect With Aging Parent
Dear Grown Daughter,
I’m so glad you worked with a therapist on this. But I get it – that doesn’t mean the situation doesn’t still hurt and that you still wish your narcissistic parent would change.
Therapy can help us learn ways to cope with different situations that are out of our control. And this is certainly one of those scenarios.
You can love your parent, but also acknowledge that they do not (and probably cannot) give you everything you need.
Duality is Truth
As I get older, I’m recognizing that there really is a complex duality to life. Two things can be true at once.
Your parent can love you but may still think of their own needs first. They may want to make things better in your relationship, but may not have the capacity to change or support you in the way that you want.
Culturally, I have seen an interesting dynamic in Latino culture where there’s a high value for family, but sometimes that value can feel like an obligation. Meaning, being a parent shouldn’t give anyone the expectation that they have full control of their child’s life and emotions. Nor does a parent need that type of unrealistic pressure. Then, the push for children to always show respect or respeto, can leave children little room to share different viewpoints or experiences without there being negative feedback. Once a “child” is an independent adult, the dynamic of the parent/child relationship needs to shift. Or, as you may be feeling, it can’t progress.
Accept and Take Action
Much like we can’t go into a hot climate and expect it to be cool, it’s probably best you approach that parent with realistic expectations. Work on accepting that reality, as disappointing as that is. You have seen how they react to certain topics and situations. Actions often indicate patterns, so you have clues on which boundaries and coping mechanisms you can deploy.
When you have a conversation with this parent, be prepared to keep the convo light and mostly about them or other safe topics. Find other friends or family members who are a better fit to support you with deeper, emotional conversations.
For those with narcissistic traits, you may find it helpful to limit time, space and places for them in your life. The healthier you become, the more you’ll observe different behaviors around you. Try to connect with your parent in ways that feel positive – perhaps chatting over cafecito, or a quick phone call once a week. You’ll notice which topics and activities are safe to explore and can focus more on those. Try to connect in ways that work, and look to others for what’s missing.
