Dear Ask A Latina,
In our Latin culture, we are supposed to “be there” for our family and have such large expectations imposed on us in this space.
How do we balance the personal boundaries we want to draw to help us from feeling used, with the requirement for “helping” our immediate family?
I often feel used and tired from jumping in to help or rescue family members who don’t strive to do for themselves.
And I really don’t want to help, but my family gives me such a big guilt trip despite explaining boundaries to them.
– Tired in Texas
Dear Tired in Texas,
It’s a lot, isn’t it? A big reason I write about culture is because it was so enlightening for me to learn about the differences between individualistic culture and collectivist culture practices.
In individualistic cultures, people are brought up to be more independent, focused on themselves, and largely responsible for their own needs. In a collectivist culture, people are brought up to put the needs of their group first, which usually means family first, and individual needs are not more important than the overall group needs.
To be fair, there are pros and cons to both types of cultural practices.
The Pressure To Fit In
In many Latino families, particularly those first or second generation in the US, they follow a collectivist culture framework. That can be wonderful when it comes to caring for each other and making family a priority.
But it can also be limiting or unhealthy if the family unit itself is unhealthy, or if individuals within the family are taking more than they are giving.
Members of a family are often quite different, and their needs or motivations can be all over the place. And sometimes, a family member may have a goal that the family is not comfortable with. Like working in a new industry, going to college out of state, or moving out on their own. Social rules on being selfless can leave an individual drained.
The Pressure to Pitch In
When you grow up and then have your own family, it’s also hard to figure out which family unit should take precedence over the other. That’s when limitations (or boundaries) become an even greater necessity, and family dynamics should shift.
My recommendation is to understand your capacity relative to that of your immediate family members.
For example, we definitely expect to help children more than we do adults. We have more capacity than they do to solve problems, prevent issues, and manage the “adulting” in life.
If we’re talking about adult family members, I tend to lean a little more individualistic and appreciate the boundaries or limitations we can set that say, “here’s what I’m willing to do, and here’s what I’m not willing to do.”
The true measure of adulting is being able to manage our own lives, and when we jump in to rescue other adults all the time, they don’t have the same incentive to take care of themselves. So if adult family members can literally help themselves, then “teach them to fish,” as the proverb goes. Then, let THEM fish. Self-sufficiency is a gift.
Help How You Want
Equal balance is very hard to achieve in life, but I think prioritizing in a way that feels aligned, or balanced with your values, is possible. To help others, you first have to help yourself.
Your thriving comes first, and then you can pour extra effort into others as you think should happen.
Will that make you a family favorite?
Probably not.
But it may make you healthier, hopefully less tired, and could inspire others to invest more effort in themselves.
The best parts of individualistic culture that I value are about accountability, being more resilient, and understanding what I control and what’s out of my control, therefore not my responsibility.
So yes, help those you care about, but help them prepare to manage whatever you’re not able or willing to do.
You never know. Some may rise to a new level when you put that responsibility back on them.
And if they’re mad, they’re welcome to their feelings. You don’t have to go along on their guilt trips.
